sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
You Might Also Like
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.