If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
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Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Make new friends? bro out of what?
no cat here
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
12653.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.