Golf would be better with landmines.
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Someone just threatened to call me later
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
#SuperBowl
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.