People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
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Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person