I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.