I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”