It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.