how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
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[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
For the baby who has everything
Are you ok, human???
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.