Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
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Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
This did not end as expected.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
This bar smells like my childhood.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka