First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
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On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today