1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My dad teaching me to drive
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Brands during Pride
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight