The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
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the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.