@ candidates for local office
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I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*