I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
my fav colour is also hitler
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.