I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
You Might Also Like
Sending in my taxes
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.