*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
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I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
#Caturday
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
#MeanwhileinCanada
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.