Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor