[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.