Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
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I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.