Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
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My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer