[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this