my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
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It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Always…
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
How do dragons blow out candles?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Breaking news:
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
They must have gotten it to go.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.