“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I forgot how to panic. Help
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Me too
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”