at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
You Might Also Like
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Gods work.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks