i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Bros before Ohioes
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*