[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.