* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”