I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.