2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Baking is just science you can eat.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
🌱🌱🌱
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.