No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Another interesting #factupdates post!
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT