If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
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I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
The Compass
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess