Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.