i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
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Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here