Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
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Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology