I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.