I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Y’all ready for this
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.