The future is now.
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girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once