My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
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The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?