Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
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When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.