Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Single and childfree like Jesus
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!