That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
🙄😏😂🤣
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.