My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
british sex workers really pound for pound
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
shampoo implies shampee
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
What’s a Messi?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
What a relief. Bring on the nukes