Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.