Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Truth
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.