*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
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Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing