I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
This guy gets it.
cats when you pet them too long:
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals