When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.