Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
You Might Also Like
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.