The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
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Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
All generalizations are stupid.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.