Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die